I Have a Show!

YAY!

Dear Sally...

I guess when your heart gets broken, you sort of start to see the cracks in everything. I'm convinced that tragedy wants to harden us, and that our mission is to never let it.

--Sally Reardon (Janeane Garafolo), "Felicity" (1998)

It's Been a Few...

It certainly has been a few days since I last wrote. So, in a nutshell...It hasn't been a good 72-96 some hours. It's actually been quite painful. It is so hard watching people that I care about hurt so, so much by the events that have been happening. I just want to reach out to them and let them know that I'm there for them -- one person in particular.

God, it just isn't fair.

Why? It doesn't make sense. I know some things never will make sense, but this just isn't fair. Why her? Why now? I wish I could take all the pain away from everyone who is hurting right now...but, I can't. It is so hard to watch them trying so hard, and working so feverishly to the point of exhaustion.

I am honestly very, very worried about their health and their sanity. I don't know what to do. It's breaking me up inside because I want to say something, but I don't know if it's my place to say something, y'know?

It's like I care so much for this person and I can't even tell him. I don't even know how -- or when -- he started to mean so much to me. And honestly, I don't want to mistake the feelings that I'm having right now from friendship or into something else...because I just don't know what they are. I am so confused. I'm trying to be there, but then at the same time, I know (and I feel) that I'm pulling away. I'm trying to run again. And I'm scared.

I see things on his face that I've seen on another face. They're things that scared me three years ago and made me run then. I'm sick of running. But at the same time...this wasn't in my plan. I don't need this stress and the added pressure and drama. I just want to be. I just can't stop thinking about him, though, and I guess that means something...somewhere. I just don't know what.

I'm so afraid I'm falling for him. I can't believe I just said that. How can I possible be falling for someone who I have yet to even go on a date with? That isnt' possible, is it? I am so scared by the feelings that I am having.

I just want to run again...

Hmm...Part Deux

I think I have a quasi-date on Friday. I don't exactly know how, but I think...somehow...said boy finally asked me out. It's actually quite a blur at the moment (it also happened like six hours ago before a huge game six).

But yea...He asked me to go out on Friday night after we got done with some stuff at school. I have no idea what that really entails. I'm so super nervous right now. I can't imagine how this is going to be on Friday.

I've been waiting how long for him to ask me out? I've been waiting patiently every time he couldn't go somewhere, or I couldn't go somewhere...and now...it's actually...it might seriously actually happen?

What does one do?

I am so nervous...I don't want to act like an idiot in front of him. My, my...It's all that I wanted...to hang out with him... alone ...for one night...and now it's happening.

Please...just let this go right...

Silly Bear...

Late-night phone calls to tell me the Sox are back in the game...

DILUSIONAL

Alas, you're cute anyways...

Weekend Update

Yah, so...this weekend didn't go exactly as planned. Really, when does it ever, though? I guess I put to much emphasis on some things to happen (that obviously didn't happen), which resulted in me totally getting let down. Which again, am I really that surprised?

Shout out request from someone to themselves: "Hey Angela!"

Anywhoooo....Yeah, this weekend...very perplexing.

OK...so news of the moment: Apparently, I have to keep Friday open. I don't know. I'm again, very perplexed. I think I'm going to go think or something productive...

Peace out, kidses

More perplexion

Is perplexion even a word? It rhymes with complexion, though, if that's any consolation.

Anyways...

Yea, talking about sports till 1:30 in the morning with aforementioned boy. That was interesting. At least I got him talking for an hour, I guess.

It's like I had the perfect opportunity to tell him what I've been feeling, but I totally blew that chance. Like he asked me if I was mad yesterday (I was acting really pissy after the sports show and totally ignored him, didn't say goodbye-type thing), and instead of telling him that I'm frustrated and that I get speechless around him...I just choked.

As usual...

I get to see him today at the double-header soccer game. I'm a "tv consultant" for the athletic department and he's doing play-by-play. Fun, fun, fun. I'm hoping since the Sox are playing the Yanks tonight, and he has his apartment all to himself this weekend, that he'll invite me over to watch the game with him...

Hmm, is that too much wishful thinking?

My head hurts...

I think two pitchers of sangria is my limit. Wow. I'm fuzzy. I don't really know what just happened. Good feeling, but fuzzy. And really, I have to go potty again. Ok, so I sound like a two-year-old with an irritable bladder, but still...it was good sangria.

And after the hellish sort of day that I just had. It was well worth it all.

Wow. What a day. My head is spinning...and I can say that on multiple levels, honestly. Figuratively and physically, my head is spinning.

Why are guys so perplexing? Can someone please explain that to me? Why are they so wicked cute in their little suits when they're dressed up and crap? Ugh. Why do they have this way of drawing me back in just when I think I'm OK without them?

Why do they have this way of making me feel better when I'm feeling kinda down? Ugh. How do they do all of these things without even knowing it, y'know? Honestly, it must be something they pull them away in shop class to learn.

"Here, Tommy...Today, instead of learning how to solder this piece of metal to make your bookshelf, we're going to teach you how to reel a woman in with your boyish good looks and chivalrous charm."

Yea, that day I apparently missed in Mr. Sheeley's tech ed class...

Does anyone know a carpenter?

Ok, does someone know how to get rid of a fence? Really, I'm not into this whole concept of "fence-sitting." Honestly, it isn't working for me. C'mon...you either "do" or you "don't." There really can be no in between, and if there's an "in between," let's just be decisive, please.

I dunno...

What the hell happened today? Why do I have to hear about some chain-smoking girl with some sort of STD (well, not really, but that's how she came across in the description) who's all over him? I don't need to hear that. It's really juvenile. If you're trying to make me jealous that other girls are all over you...Yea, it worked. I'm jealous.

But, what do you want me to do?

I'm not going to fawn all over you. I'm not going to start feeling you up in the middle of your apartment. I'm not going to do a lot of things. That just isn't me.

Plus, why would I? I don't have any indication that you feel something -- anything -- for me. But, yes...I am jealous. It makes me seethe to know that other girls are getting to feel your leg up, or whatever is going down on that couch. I want to be the girl who's all over you on your couch. I don't need some image roaming around my head about some other girl. Yea, it helped to hear that you were annoyed by it, but...Ugh. This is just so frustrating.

I don't know what I have to do different. I don't want to do anything different. I just want to be me. I want him to like me for me. I'm not going to change for a guy. I've never been that kind of girl and I'm not about to start that now. I just...I have this knack for picking the shyest guys in the world who don't know how to outright say things. And honestly, I'm not going to outright say how I feel...I just can't do it yet.

If you read this...then yes, you have seen how I really feel. But, I'm just not ready to say it outloud yet. I want to. I honestly wish I could. I just want it to be in person. But we never have that chance together. I want to ask you out. I want to tell you that I want to spend more time with you to get to know you better. I want to tell you...I want to tell you so much. I just can't. I am so utterly scared by how I am feeling right now and by how much I don't want my feelings that I have to jeopardize whatever we do have now.

I see you all the time and you think it would get easier. It doesn't. I'm finding that every time I see you, it's getting harder and harder to be around you. It's more and more nerve-wracking. More frustrating. My heart beats faster and faster and the thoughts just disappear from my head and I turn into a babbling idiot.

I wish there were a way to say that all...A part of me wishes that you would see this...

Go Yankers!

I'm a winner, and as such, I only root for winners.

Yankees take series 1-0 over Red Sox.

Next game: tomorrow................