Saturday, October 16, 2004

More perplexion

Is perplexion even a word? It rhymes with complexion, though, if that's any consolation.


Yea, talking about sports till 1:30 in the morning with aforementioned boy. That was interesting. At least I got him talking for an hour, I guess.

It's like I had the perfect opportunity to tell him what I've been feeling, but I totally blew that chance. Like he asked me if I was mad yesterday (I was acting really pissy after the sports show and totally ignored him, didn't say goodbye-type thing), and instead of telling him that I'm frustrated and that I get speechless around him...I just choked.

As usual...

I get to see him today at the double-header soccer game. I'm a "tv consultant" for the athletic department and he's doing play-by-play. Fun, fun, fun. I'm hoping since the Sox are playing the Yanks tonight, and he has his apartment all to himself this weekend, that he'll invite me over to watch the game with him...

Hmm, is that too much wishful thinking?

Friday, October 15, 2004

My head hurts...

I think two pitchers of sangria is my limit. Wow. I'm fuzzy. I don't really know what just happened. Good feeling, but fuzzy. And really, I have to go potty again. Ok, so I sound like a two-year-old with an irritable bladder, but was good sangria.

And after the hellish sort of day that I just had. It was well worth it all.

Wow. What a day. My head is spinning...and I can say that on multiple levels, honestly. Figuratively and physically, my head is spinning.

Why are guys so perplexing? Can someone please explain that to me? Why are they so wicked cute in their little suits when they're dressed up and crap? Ugh. Why do they have this way of drawing me back in just when I think I'm OK without them?

Why do they have this way of making me feel better when I'm feeling kinda down? Ugh. How do they do all of these things without even knowing it, y'know? Honestly, it must be something they pull them away in shop class to learn.

"Here, Tommy...Today, instead of learning how to solder this piece of metal to make your bookshelf, we're going to teach you how to reel a woman in with your boyish good looks and chivalrous charm."

Yea, that day I apparently missed in Mr. Sheeley's tech ed class...

Wednesday, October 13, 2004

Does anyone know a carpenter?

Ok, does someone know how to get rid of a fence? Really, I'm not into this whole concept of "fence-sitting." Honestly, it isn't working for me. C' either "do" or you "don't." There really can be no in between, and if there's an "in between," let's just be decisive, please.

I dunno...

What the hell happened today? Why do I have to hear about some chain-smoking girl with some sort of STD (well, not really, but that's how she came across in the description) who's all over him? I don't need to hear that. It's really juvenile. If you're trying to make me jealous that other girls are all over you...Yea, it worked. I'm jealous.

But, what do you want me to do?

I'm not going to fawn all over you. I'm not going to start feeling you up in the middle of your apartment. I'm not going to do a lot of things. That just isn't me.

Plus, why would I? I don't have any indication that you feel something -- anything -- for me. But, yes...I am jealous. It makes me seethe to know that other girls are getting to feel your leg up, or whatever is going down on that couch. I want to be the girl who's all over you on your couch. I don't need some image roaming around my head about some other girl. Yea, it helped to hear that you were annoyed by it, but...Ugh. This is just so frustrating.

I don't know what I have to do different. I don't want to do anything different. I just want to be me. I want him to like me for me. I'm not going to change for a guy. I've never been that kind of girl and I'm not about to start that now. I just...I have this knack for picking the shyest guys in the world who don't know how to outright say things. And honestly, I'm not going to outright say how I feel...I just can't do it yet.

If you read this...then yes, you have seen how I really feel. But, I'm just not ready to say it outloud yet. I want to. I honestly wish I could. I just want it to be in person. But we never have that chance together. I want to ask you out. I want to tell you that I want to spend more time with you to get to know you better. I want to tell you...I want to tell you so much. I just can't. I am so utterly scared by how I am feeling right now and by how much I don't want my feelings that I have to jeopardize whatever we do have now.

I see you all the time and you think it would get easier. It doesn't. I'm finding that every time I see you, it's getting harder and harder to be around you. It's more and more nerve-wracking. More frustrating. My heart beats faster and faster and the thoughts just disappear from my head and I turn into a babbling idiot.

I wish there were a way to say that all...A part of me wishes that you would see this...

Tuesday, October 12, 2004

Go Yankers!

I'm a winner, and as such, I only root for winners.

Yankees take series 1-0 over Red Sox.

Next game: tomorrow................

What is persistence?

Random question of the day: What is the definition of persistence?

I wish I knew because apparently that's what I need to be. Well, that's if I listen to someone close to you-know-who. I dunno. I don't know what to even believe anymore, or what I should be doing vs. how I'm doing it. I just...I just want things to work out. I want something to happen.

Everytime that I convince myself I don't need said boy, someone comes back and tells me that I need to continue pursuing him because he's on some fence, or because they think I can win him over, or some bull sh*t to that extent.

It's like they lure me back in to think that I really can win him over. But, every time I try to be "persistent," I feel like I'm just being annoying, or coming across as needy and desperate -- which I most definitely am not.

I genuinely like this person. I do want something to come from our friendship, y'know. There's something there...sure. I just don't know what to do about it. If I should do anything at all, y'know? He makes me smile and has this way of making my day seem that much brighter when it sucks or something like that.

It's all so juvenile. I wish I could just slip him a note under the table that says "check 'yes' or 'no' if you like me." But, for some reason I don't think that would fly. It didn't work with me in sixth grade.

I can't give up on this since I do feel so strongly for him, but at the same can I trust what someone else has been saying about him, when it hasn't been him who's necessarily been saying it?

Monday, October 11, 2004

I know what I want now...


Yes, you heard it right, kids. I want a cuddle buddy. Someone who I can text message and be all like, "Cuddle?"

That's not being too whore-ish, is it?

How did I come to this realization? Well, we were talking about the aforementioned "cuddle buddies" at work today. And I thought, "Hey, that's just a pretty dang good idea." There's no real commitment. No heavy duty relationship. Just someone to cuddle with on those long, cold, lonely New England nights (that, of course will be coming in due force soon). So yes...I want a cuddle buddy.

I'm just unsure of how to go about asking said boy if he wants to be the designated cuddle buddy.

Sunday, October 10, 2004

Drunk Dial Update

Remember how I drunk-dialed someone the other night? Hmm. Yea, I still don't really know the outcome of that. Well, I do...but, hmm.

Why are there always more questions? Can't I just get a yes or no...or just something resembling...anything, I guess.

So, yea...I think he actually said to me on Thursday (when I saw him) that I only call him when I'm drunk. Not exactly true, but fairly.

The answer why: I get way too nervous in person or when I'm sober. I can't talk to him otherwise. It is so absurd. I get tongue-tied and nothing comes out right. Not that when I'm drunk things come out right, but at least something comes out, I guess.

How did I let things get this way? I am so into this guy and I'm just setting myself up for the hugest letdown in the world. What do I really think is going to come from this anyways?

I don't want a relationship right now. I don't think he does. We're both graduating in, let's see here...oh, like seven months. We have no idea where the @#$% we'll be after that. I'm a complete mess when it comes to relationships. Not to mention I'm afraid of intimacy.

Plus, he's a normal (or seems to be normal), college-aged guy. How does that work with me? I can't put another guy through what I am, and how I act (or lack of act). It isn't fair, I know. But, I am so afraid of letting people in. It's like I wish I could just say to him, "Hey, let's have some fun. No expectations. Nothing after graduation. Just whenever we feel like it." But I can't. That isn't me and that probably will never be me.

What on Earth could I possibly want from this guy?

You know, if I knew that answer...I'd be the richest person in the world. Maybe I am just lonely. Maybe I just need to make-out with someone. Maybe I just want a friend. I DON'T KNOW. All I know is that every time I am with him...I'm smiling on the inside. I'm happy. And everytime I don't see him, or don't hear from him, I'm waiting anxiously for the next time I will see him.

I don't know how that happened and I don't know if he remotely feels the same.

I am so afraid to risk the friendship that we do have (mainly because of my last experience with trying to have a friend turn into "more than friends"). But, it's like I want to risk it. I just want to know how he feels. I am so afraid to make the first move. I know mutual friends have said that he's just clueless and needs me to make that first move, but I don't know if I can, y'know? I don't want to feel like an idiot. What if this is only some stupid crush? But then, what if it isn't...

Highlight Fun

Ok, remember back in the day when I wanted to be the next Suzy Kolber on ESPN? Yea, that was a LONG time ago. Proby back in high school when I was still covering basketball games for West Side Stories . Yes, that long ago. I don't think I've really had an inkling since about then to even be on-air. But for a few brief moments on Friday, I really wanted to be an on-air personality again.

Who would've thought that doing 7 minutes of Boston Red Sox highlights would have me wanting to be a sports anchor again?

Well, the dream is short-lived, but it was most definitely fun and enjoyable. I can't say that I want to do highlights for a living (by any means). It was just cool to live that lifelong dream (or whatever you want to call it) of actually -- almost -- really being on ESPN.

I can't say that I won't ever do highlights again...I wonder what the chances of me taking over WEBN Sports is???