Wednesday, October 13, 2004

Does anyone know a carpenter?

Ok, does someone know how to get rid of a fence? Really, I'm not into this whole concept of "fence-sitting." Honestly, it isn't working for me. C' either "do" or you "don't." There really can be no in between, and if there's an "in between," let's just be decisive, please.

I dunno...

What the hell happened today? Why do I have to hear about some chain-smoking girl with some sort of STD (well, not really, but that's how she came across in the description) who's all over him? I don't need to hear that. It's really juvenile. If you're trying to make me jealous that other girls are all over you...Yea, it worked. I'm jealous.

But, what do you want me to do?

I'm not going to fawn all over you. I'm not going to start feeling you up in the middle of your apartment. I'm not going to do a lot of things. That just isn't me.

Plus, why would I? I don't have any indication that you feel something -- anything -- for me. But, yes...I am jealous. It makes me seethe to know that other girls are getting to feel your leg up, or whatever is going down on that couch. I want to be the girl who's all over you on your couch. I don't need some image roaming around my head about some other girl. Yea, it helped to hear that you were annoyed by it, but...Ugh. This is just so frustrating.

I don't know what I have to do different. I don't want to do anything different. I just want to be me. I want him to like me for me. I'm not going to change for a guy. I've never been that kind of girl and I'm not about to start that now. I just...I have this knack for picking the shyest guys in the world who don't know how to outright say things. And honestly, I'm not going to outright say how I feel...I just can't do it yet.

If you read this...then yes, you have seen how I really feel. But, I'm just not ready to say it outloud yet. I want to. I honestly wish I could. I just want it to be in person. But we never have that chance together. I want to ask you out. I want to tell you that I want to spend more time with you to get to know you better. I want to tell you...I want to tell you so much. I just can't. I am so utterly scared by how I am feeling right now and by how much I don't want my feelings that I have to jeopardize whatever we do have now.

I see you all the time and you think it would get easier. It doesn't. I'm finding that every time I see you, it's getting harder and harder to be around you. It's more and more nerve-wracking. More frustrating. My heart beats faster and faster and the thoughts just disappear from my head and I turn into a babbling idiot.

I wish there were a way to say that all...A part of me wishes that you would see this...

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