It certainly has been a few days since I last wrote. So, in a nutshell...It hasn't been a good 72-96 some hours. It's actually been quite painful. It is so hard watching people that I care about hurt so, so much by the events that have been happening. I just want to reach out to them and let them know that I'm there for them -- one person in particular.
God, it just isn't fair.
Why? It doesn't make sense. I know some things never will make sense, but this just isn't fair. Why her? Why now? I wish I could take all the pain away from everyone who is hurting right now...but, I can't. It is so hard to watch them trying so hard, and working so feverishly to the point of exhaustion.
I am honestly very, very worried about their health and their sanity. I don't know what to do. It's breaking me up inside because I want to say something, but I don't know if it's my place to say something, y'know?
It's like I care so much for this person and I can't even tell him. I don't even know how -- or when -- he started to mean so much to me. And honestly, I don't want to mistake the feelings that I'm having right now from friendship or into something else...because I just don't know what they are. I am so confused. I'm trying to be there, but then at the same time, I know (and I feel) that I'm pulling away. I'm trying to run again. And I'm scared.
I see things on his face that I've seen on another face. They're things that scared me three years ago and made me run then. I'm sick of running. But at the same time...this wasn't in my plan. I don't need this stress and the added pressure and drama. I just want to be. I just can't stop thinking about him, though, and I guess that means something...somewhere. I just don't know what.
I'm so afraid I'm falling for him. I can't believe I just said that. How can I possible be falling for someone who I have yet to even go on a date with? That isnt' possible, is it? I am so scared by the feelings that I am having.
I just want to run again...