Friday, September 03, 2004

Chris's Life's Lesson #1

Lesson #1
Always say what's on your mind because you may never have the chance again.

No, I didn't fail at saying something, or necessarily fail because I didn't say something. I dunno what I'm trying to get at here really, or how do I put this in a way that sounds correct.

Ok. Hypothethically. Have you ever been in a situation where you've wanted to say something to someone for so long. You've practiced over and over in your mind how that moment would go. You'd finally get something off your mind and out into the open. But then, when you're finally in that place, that moment to speak your mind, you shut down. You can't. You're speechless. The moment just isn't right. For whatever reason -- the lighting, the two people, the atmosphere, whatever -- you just can't get what you've been dying, aching to say out into the air.

It's such an awful feeling. But then at the same time, sometimes things are just better left unsaid, y'know?

Why is it that I always seem to try and predict how things are going to be and then they never turn out right because of something, be it me, the other person, or just the moment in general? Is it that I always have to be in control of things? That I want life to be predictable? Am I a control freak? Am I too demanding? What?

For as long as I can remember, I always try and play scenarios out in my head (generally in the morning as I'm thinking hard in the shower). I try to figure out how things are going to go during my day (interviews, a date, etc.). It's like I think how another person will try to react. A lot of times, I'll stand in front of a mirror and pretend I'm actually talking to someone, as if they're really there, and as if I actually have the courage to say things that I normally wouldn't be able to say.

But, in the end, it's always the same. I can't realistically finish what I have been practicing. It's like my little talks in the morning are just a way for me to feel like it's happened. A way for me to fool myself into believing things have happened in the way that I want them to happen. When in reality, they never have occurred that way and probably never will. It's like a way for me to create this history that I want.

Is that normal? Is that like voices in my head type stuff? Do I need to seek help for this? Or, do I just need to confront people with the things I think I need to say to them? And its not just one person or two people. I think it's with everyone I meet. I don't know if it's me being untruthful with myself or what.

MXC on Spike

Ok...what is this show all about? It's like a mix between American Gladiators, Iron Chef, and a whacked-out Double Dare. I absolutely don't get it. Is it produced in Japan or the U.S. because those voice-overs are so obnoxious even for American humor. It's like c'mon. Can we have a little bit of tact here? It's like it's funny and everything but I think I'm just totally missing something about the whole thing.

For those of you who don't know the premise of it -- There are two teams who battle against each other in these crazy, you-must-be-on-crack kinds of stunts. For example, I've seen a life-size video game stunt, a bull-riding gun toting stunt, and a ride-down-a-water-slide-in-a-bowl stunt (to name a few).

Yea. And I wonder why Spike is so strange sometimes. But alas, they do have CSI on every night of the week starting on Monday....

Time Goes By...

Three years ago...damn. I look back at where I was. It was a definitive turning point in my life. It was when I finally stopped to think about what I wanted my life to be and started making decisions to change things.

I look back at September 2001. I see a little girl who was scared. Running away from a lot of things in her life. I see a young woman who was on the brink of finding the distant outer layers of what she wanted to become. I see a person who made a lot of tough decisions to be where she is today.

When I look back and think about three years ago, the first thing I want to do is apologize to so many people. I don't know why. I feel like I was such a horrible person for so long. I look at the person I was then at 20-years-old. I was making my first real-life decisions on my own and they weren't necessarily right and they weren't necessarily one's that I am proud of. But, I won't and I can't ever take them back. They were my mistakes. But, I do apologize for how I treated a lot of people then. I know I didn't leave a lot of relationships the way I should have. I just didn't know how to at that point in my life.

It's so strange how in three years a person can grow and change so much. I never really thought I had changed all that much -- until today. I guess as I'm cleaning up and packing a lot of my things away the past week or so, and also saying goodbye to a lot of important people in my life, I've been able to realize a few things.

I have grown up. I have changed. I hope in a positive way. I hope I'm on the right track to where that young woman saw herself heading three years ago. I'm not that scared little girl anymore who's afraid to make choices on her own. But, I still doubt myself (one of those things that I wonder if I will ever outgrow). I do see someone in the mirror now who is focused on a dream of a better future, but unfortunately, still lets the past dictate a lot of what she is becoming. For better or for worse, I do let past actions lead me down the paths ahead of me.

I have been finding it so hard and so awkward to have to say goodbye to people this week. I've been on the verge of tears with everyone (hopefully they couldn't tell). But I've enjoyed my time with all of my friends -- Ann, Katie, Amber, Marcia, Val (hopefully I will see you), Steve...everyone. I just wish I knew that this wasn't the end to something, y'know?

It's so hard to make the choices that I have to make in the next year. Where am I going to move? What job am I going to take? How am I going to help my family? Or even the simplest decisions like: Where am I spending Christmas? I don't want to have to make these decisions. But I have to.

And everytime I think about it...the only thing that comes through my mind is how I can't come back to Milwaukee -- at least not for a long time. It's just too painful right now. It's been my home for 23 years and now its gone. The next time I come back, the house that I grew up in, won't be my house anymore. It'll be someone's else's. Do you know and can you understand how hard that is for me? This isn't something that I should have to deal with. But I have to.

I look at myself right now. I see that little, scared girl again. Running even faster and farther, just trying as hard as she can to escape from the life that is escaping her. I see a disenchanted young woman in the mirror now who doesn't know if her dreams are even possible. I see more fears than dreams in all honesty, and that shouldn't be the case.

While I have changed a lot over the course of three years, so much has stayed the same. I can't escape the life that my family has. Sometimes, so many times, I wish I could. But, I can't. It isn't possible and it isn't even an option. And when I think about it, it just makes me angry and more frustrated. I can't change things. I don't have that ability. I want things to be great. But they aren't. I wish I could be that little girl, with stars in her eyes who had the world at her fingertips as she walked along the stage receiving her diploma in 1999, but I can't. That life was just an illusion.

I just wish a lot of the past five years has been an illusion, too.

Wednesday, September 01, 2004

Packing, Moving, More Packing, and Even More Packing

Have I told you recently how much I dislike packing? Especially my stuff. There's just so much of it. This is the most awful task I think I have ever tried to undertake.

I'll pay someone if they want to finish it...........

Tuesday, August 31, 2004

Baseball Game


I did something fun that helped me forget (for a brief moment) some of my recent misery. I got to go to tailgate and go to a Brewer's game tonight with a few of my old Panthervision buddies.

Yup. Amber, Katie, and Laura (who is moving to Boston this week to go to BU-ness) all organized a little get together tonight of friends. It was quite fun and a way for me to get out of the house -- which was much needed.

Even though the team lost, I still had fun. Really, who needs to pay attention to a game when you've had four beers and you're trying out your "spirit fingers???" LOL.

Thanks guys! It was fun tonight!!

Making an EXIT

I am sad to announce that my favorite Milwaukee (well, actually Waukesha)-based band is calling it quits after eight years together. Ryan, Mike, John and Craig (collectively known as EXIT) have decided to amicably part ways, according to an email sent to fans, and as listed on their website.

The group, which has won several WAMI awards during the past few years, plans to finish scheduled shows and then have a final show sometime at the end of September or early October. Then, it is off to pursue their solo performance goals. EXIT's website will remain active (at the moment) to publicize the group's solo endeavors.

Ok...forget this sounding all journalistic shit. I am so bummed out about this! I haven't seen EXIT play a live show in nearly two years. Honestly, I think the last time I saw them play was October of senior year at UWM's Gasthaus with Katie #3 and her roommies, and then got trashed at Axel's because Chris wanted us to do like a zillion pitchers and then like five snakebite shots in a matter of an hour. But aside the evening of me getting totally wasted for the first time...

There will be no more EXIT! This is so sad. The boys who brought us the albums "Two Words" and "Scenes from Next Week" are through! I am saddened by this news. I love this band. I was talking with a guy tonight who went to high school with Craig who said everyone was fine and dandy. How wrong is that? Or, ironic???

I will never forget you EXIT! The great times at Summerfest, Wisconsin State Fair, Waukesha Riverfest, Bastille Days, UWM, Marquette, Milwaukee Bucks Playoff B-Ball Rallies, Milwaukee Ale House (THE BEST!!!!) and so many more!

How can I forget the great cover songs like Bon Jovi's "Livin' on a Prayer," or Lynyrd Skynyrd's "Sweet Home Alabama?" {SIGH} All the great times dancing on tables and benches. Getting hoarse and having to drag myself into work the next day after closing the bars...Those were the days.

Listening to songs in my car and saying, "Damn, this is so my life right now," ("Given") or bopping in someone's else's car, ("You Drive Me Wild") or studying for finals and trying to stay up late ("Mary Go Round"). There were just so many great songs of your own and in general that have helped me through the past four years of my quarter-life crisis.

Good luck boys -- Just remember to schedule a reunion tour to Boston....

Monday, August 30, 2004

Common Theme of My Trip

This day sucked.

I have soda in my hair. I think I broke a glass. My eyes are puffy. I went for a two hour walk from my house to Currie Park (honestly, I don't know how far that is) that involved my family searching the streets of Wauwatosa for me. And I still feel like crap.

Yea, it's been one of those days where I totally wigged out. And when I say "totally" -- I mean totally .

This "vacation" has royally sucked ass. I'm supposed to be taking it easy. My blood pressure is already high enough as it is from Boston's drama. I don't need to go home and have it put me into epileptic shock or whatever happens (maybe aneurysms?).

I just want to be in Boston so much right now. I'm counting the days until I fly out of here and never look back. I can't believe I'm saying that, but it's true. I just don't want to come back. I have no inkling whatsoever right at this moment. I can't even say that my family and friends are reason enough to want to come back any time soon (yea, that's depressing, isn't it?).

This blows. Majorly.

I'm sick of it. I wish I could just change my flight or something. My family (well, not all...but most) is full of complete morons. And it's not like I can get rid of them or something. It's like they signed for me. I can't exactly go back to the judge and be like, "Hey, I don't like this family after 23 years because they're a bunch of freaks. Can I please pick a different family?" Yea, that doesn't happen. Well, it does kinda happen. I think its called "disowning." But, that's like work with my family.

Ugh. They're just crazy. All of them. There is like some hormonal imbalance, or maybe its in the air, or the water. I don't know. But, they're crazy.

Put aside your petty f-ing differences, for Pete's sake. Who the F cares if you're driving X amount of miles every f-ing day. It's your {bleeping} {another bleep} stuff in the house, too. It's not all mine. I don't care if you don't like that brother, or that sister. I don't care if your Lumbago is acting up and you can't breathe. Take your mutha {bleeping} pill, pass the F out, and leave me the Hell out of it all.

No, I'm not coming back in November. And, today just proved the F why.

I don't need this stress if my life. I'm going to be selfish. I'm going to live my life. I'm picking who I want to be in it now. And right now, not everyone in Wisconsin is going to be a part of that in the future. So, there's that memo for you!