Sunday, October 10, 2004

Drunk Dial Update

Remember how I drunk-dialed someone the other night? Hmm. Yea, I still don't really know the outcome of that. Well, I do...but, hmm.

Why are there always more questions? Can't I just get a yes or no...or just something resembling...anything, I guess.

So, yea...I think he actually said to me on Thursday (when I saw him) that I only call him when I'm drunk. Not exactly true, but fairly.

The answer why: I get way too nervous in person or when I'm sober. I can't talk to him otherwise. It is so absurd. I get tongue-tied and nothing comes out right. Not that when I'm drunk things come out right, but at least something comes out, I guess.

How did I let things get this way? I am so into this guy and I'm just setting myself up for the hugest letdown in the world. What do I really think is going to come from this anyways?

I don't want a relationship right now. I don't think he does. We're both graduating in, let's see here...oh, like seven months. We have no idea where the @#$% we'll be after that. I'm a complete mess when it comes to relationships. Not to mention I'm afraid of intimacy.

Plus, he's a normal (or seems to be normal), college-aged guy. How does that work with me? I can't put another guy through what I am, and how I act (or lack of act). It isn't fair, I know. But, I am so afraid of letting people in. It's like I wish I could just say to him, "Hey, let's have some fun. No expectations. Nothing after graduation. Just whenever we feel like it." But I can't. That isn't me and that probably will never be me.

What on Earth could I possibly want from this guy?

You know, if I knew that answer...I'd be the richest person in the world. Maybe I am just lonely. Maybe I just need to make-out with someone. Maybe I just want a friend. I DON'T KNOW. All I know is that every time I am with him...I'm smiling on the inside. I'm happy. And everytime I don't see him, or don't hear from him, I'm waiting anxiously for the next time I will see him.

I don't know how that happened and I don't know if he remotely feels the same.

I am so afraid to risk the friendship that we do have (mainly because of my last experience with trying to have a friend turn into "more than friends"). But, it's like I want to risk it. I just want to know how he feels. I am so afraid to make the first move. I know mutual friends have said that he's just clueless and needs me to make that first move, but I don't know if I can, y'know? I don't want to feel like an idiot. What if this is only some stupid crush? But then, what if it isn't...

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