Friday, September 03, 2004

Chris's Life's Lesson #1

Lesson #1
Always say what's on your mind because you may never have the chance again.

No, I didn't fail at saying something, or necessarily fail because I didn't say something. I dunno what I'm trying to get at here really, or how do I put this in a way that sounds correct.

Ok. Hypothethically. Have you ever been in a situation where you've wanted to say something to someone for so long. You've practiced over and over in your mind how that moment would go. You'd finally get something off your mind and out into the open. But then, when you're finally in that place, that moment to speak your mind, you shut down. You can't. You're speechless. The moment just isn't right. For whatever reason -- the lighting, the two people, the atmosphere, whatever -- you just can't get what you've been dying, aching to say out into the air.

It's such an awful feeling. But then at the same time, sometimes things are just better left unsaid, y'know?

Why is it that I always seem to try and predict how things are going to be and then they never turn out right because of something, be it me, the other person, or just the moment in general? Is it that I always have to be in control of things? That I want life to be predictable? Am I a control freak? Am I too demanding? What?

For as long as I can remember, I always try and play scenarios out in my head (generally in the morning as I'm thinking hard in the shower). I try to figure out how things are going to go during my day (interviews, a date, etc.). It's like I think how another person will try to react. A lot of times, I'll stand in front of a mirror and pretend I'm actually talking to someone, as if they're really there, and as if I actually have the courage to say things that I normally wouldn't be able to say.

But, in the end, it's always the same. I can't realistically finish what I have been practicing. It's like my little talks in the morning are just a way for me to feel like it's happened. A way for me to fool myself into believing things have happened in the way that I want them to happen. When in reality, they never have occurred that way and probably never will. It's like a way for me to create this history that I want.

Is that normal? Is that like voices in my head type stuff? Do I need to seek help for this? Or, do I just need to confront people with the things I think I need to say to them? And its not just one person or two people. I think it's with everyone I meet. I don't know if it's me being untruthful with myself or what.

No comments: