Monday, September 27, 2004

Smitten Insomniac

I can't sleep. Well, I tried, and I can't. I suppose I will later. Just right now I can't. I don't know why. Ok, I think I know. I'm antsy.

Antsy and Chris don't go well together. That's kinda like lamb and tuna fish. Yea, they just don't meld well with one another. I have all this excess energy that I need to expel. Still, I'm exhausted from working. I just can't sleep, though. Could that be a sign of something else? Yea, sure it is. I'm antsy, aren't I?


I hate feeling this way. You know, when you don't have control over something. Yea, that feeling doesn't meld well with me, either. I guess I'm just in one of those moods. I want everything to go right. I had a great weekend and I just want it to continue. Maybe that's it. I had too good of a weekend for once and I don't know what to do with myself. It is a rarity for me to actually have fun, isn't it?

Well, I do have fun...sometimes. Just not here that often. I don't know why I had that much fun anyways. Ok, that's a flat-out lie. Of course, I know why I had a lot of fun this weekend and enjoyed myself so much.

I got shit-faced and hung out with a boy that I have a major crush on. That's why. Oops, I probably shouldn't have said that outloud, should I? Oh, well. It's not like he doesn't know. Wait, he probably doesn't know. But, it's not like he reads this?

Wait, with my luck...He probably does read this. Why? 'Cause I was born under a bad sign. That's why. Ugh. If I could just have really good luck, you know? And knew that he felt the same way about me, y'know?

That his heart raced as much as mine does every time we're together. That he's feeling nervous like a 12-year-old when our eyes meet. Yea, that's kinda how I feel when we're together. It's so goofy, but it's fun, y'know? I haven't felt that for a long time. And a part of me doesn't want it to go away. I like that feeling. The anticipation of knowing that there's the possibility of something . Not quite sure what -- but something.

That something that's on the horizon. A lingering sort of antsyness that is exhilarating and refreshing and nerve-racking all at the same time. I really don't want that to go away. Because I know if that feeling goes away...That means that he didn't feel the same way. And really, I don't want that outcome.

At the same time, I don't want to go down some road with this person because we are such good friends. And my history with guys who I've been friends with and then wanted something else...well, let's just say my track record isn't that good.

So, I guess I just want that pitter-patter of excitement to continue a little while longer and then maybe...who knows...

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