Scary thoughts

I've been undergoing tests the past few weeks. I wish I could say it was for something happy like I'm about to have a baby. But no. These aren't happy tests. They're actually kinda scary.

I almost collapsed at the gym two weeks ago. I thought I was having a really strong asthma attack. My arms were tingling. My head was fuzzy. My eyes were blurry. I couldn't even sit up. I felt like I had the weight of the world on my shoulders.

I went to the doctor a few days later. She started taking my oxygen levels. My blood pressure. My pulse. Something just wasn't right.

She came back saying that I have slight anemia. Nothing new. I've been taking iron pills to help my iron levels for about six months now. I've always had a blood clotting problem.

But, she was worried that this incident just wasn't another asthma attack. My inhaler hasn't been helping. I've been fatigued for the past few weeks. No energy. Sleeping most of my free time. I'm out of breath just walking a short distance. I can't carry groceries. I can't stand up from my bed without getting dizzy. It's been a complete 180 from the person who just finished a 5k run in March.

As I sat waiting in the doctor's office by myself, it was like sitting in some movie. "I'm worried it could be a blood clot..."

The words just trailed off...echoing in the back of my head.

I'm screaming inside, "What?!?"

"You need some more tests. I'd like you to get a stress test, get a chest x-ray and get some blood drawn," my doctor said.

The worry that goes through your head is unimaginable for a diagnosis such as a blood clot. "What could happen to me?" "I just got married..." "How did this happen?" "What about my family and friends?" "How can I stop it?"

Now, I have to go back for more tests. The scary, worrisome thoughts are coming back even stronger. I was up at 3 a.m. in a cold sweat, crying in fear that something will happen to me in my sleep. "What happens if I have a clot and it moves?"

I know nothing has been officially diagnosed. But this is such a terrifying experience for me. Why do I not have any energy? Why am I having so much difficulty just breathing? When can I go back to exercising?

I have to undergo a test on Friday called a ventilation/perfusion scan. I have to breathe in some low doses of radiation and also get injected with radiation. Then the radiologists will check to see if my blood vessels are moving blood and if my lungs are moving air. If they see the radiation pooling in areas, they can tell if I have a pulmonary embolism, or clot. Read more about the procedure.

I can't wait for the next few weeks to be over. I want the these scary thoughts to go away. I just want to be OK.