All right, I don't get how people do this -- the whole making out with friends and then still maintaining some sort of platonicness. Maybe you have to have a certain gene to do it. But, I just can't. There's a part of me that wishes I could just have one of those no strings attached sorts of relationships. But then, there's the other, the way-too-moral part of me, that screams out at me, "Chris, don't be a slut."
I see other people around me, not necessarily just here in Boston, but also back home and at UWM, who could just make-out with guys randomly at parties during undergrad or whatever. And then never see or talk to those people in that same way again, or go back to being just friends. It's like it seems like it is something or a normal thing with college-aged kids. I guess I just never have had a normal college experience, and/or have allowed myself to have a "normal" college experience.
That possibly could be aquated to me being a prude. But, I hate to call myself a prude when I really don't think I am. It's like there's things that I would do...sure. There's things that I have done...sure. I dunno. I guess there's a difference between being a prude and just being picky. Maybe I'm just too picky. That could certainly be it.
But, how can one really be picky when one doesn't know what they want? I don't know what I want even. I guess that could be it, too. But then, wouldn't the making out with every guy be a good solution then? Yea, still can't do it when I think about it that way.
How do people do it? How can they wake up the next day and still be able to be cool with what they did? It's like there were things when I was in a relationship that I had so many problems dealing with the next day, let alone if I wasn't in a relationship, y'know?
Honestly, this is why I strongly standby the theory of Post-It notes...
Sunday, September 12, 2004
My Roomie's Blog Suggestion
So, I have been told to write a blog entry about what else...Boobs. I don't know why and honestly I don't think I can write enough about my boobs or other people's boobs to make enough of an entry. I suppose I could make an effort to really write about one's boobs, but why? Alas, to the disppointment of my roommate, I cannot write an entire entry about someone's boobs.
I deeply apologize...
I deeply apologize...
Saturday, September 11, 2004
Emerson's New Class
Yea, not looking promising for the prospects this year....again. It's like, we're a performing arts school and everything. Why can't we say, "Send a head shot with your application"? Or, is that like not legal or something? Hmm...
The new class is small (25) and mainly print kidses. So, really I won't see any of them ever again probably. Hopefully, I didn't damage them too much. And honestly, I didn't get any of them run over by cars on the tour around campus. So, point to me for that.
Alas, I'm going to be waiting to meet that special someone when I'm going for my PhD. Whoever said that I would meet my future husband in graduate school was on crack. And really, not high quality crack either. So, so sad.
The new class is small (25) and mainly print kidses. So, really I won't see any of them ever again probably. Hopefully, I didn't damage them too much. And honestly, I didn't get any of them run over by cars on the tour around campus. So, point to me for that.
Alas, I'm going to be waiting to meet that special someone when I'm going for my PhD. Whoever said that I would meet my future husband in graduate school was on crack. And really, not high quality crack either. So, so sad.
Tuesday, September 07, 2004
Back to School...Grade 18
I think I'm in the equivalent of 18th grade this year, right? Yea, I'm getting so old that I don't even know what year of school I'm in any more.
Yes, but today was "back to school" day for me. Not officially, but unofficially. Had to AD another round of "Capitol Perspectives with Ted Kennedy." Yes, that was so rousing. Filled out some employment forms so I can get paid for my Emerson services in the BJ and Athletic departments this year. Yea, what's this deal about me not having work study all about?? I have to wait to find out 'till November to see if I have an award? What is that? I only have a semester left after November-ish. Yea, the good that does me.
It is so amusing waiting for T in this madness. Why? Because BU kids can't walk the two blocks it takes for them to go to class.
Lazy bums.
Anywhooo, otherwise...we have a new phone. Finally. Still no internet so I'm bumming internet off the roommate till I set something up of my own. I suppose I should just get one of those wireless card things, but that is going to have to wait for a bit.
What else?
Have a I mentioned how much I hate my life and paying bills? Yea...money sucks. If there is some way you can get out paying bills, or just becoming a grown-up, I highly recommend taking that route instead.
Otherwise, you end up in grade 18, broke, and working a zillion jobs and still about to become bankrupt. And people wonder why I need a therapist...
Yes, but today was "back to school" day for me. Not officially, but unofficially. Had to AD another round of "Capitol Perspectives with Ted Kennedy." Yes, that was so rousing. Filled out some employment forms so I can get paid for my Emerson services in the BJ and Athletic departments this year. Yea, what's this deal about me not having work study all about?? I have to wait to find out 'till November to see if I have an award? What is that? I only have a semester left after November-ish. Yea, the good that does me.
It is so amusing waiting for T in this madness. Why? Because BU kids can't walk the two blocks it takes for them to go to class.
Lazy bums.
Anywhooo, otherwise...we have a new phone. Finally. Still no internet so I'm bumming internet off the roommate till I set something up of my own. I suppose I should just get one of those wireless card things, but that is going to have to wait for a bit.
What else?
Have a I mentioned how much I hate my life and paying bills? Yea...money sucks. If there is some way you can get out paying bills, or just becoming a grown-up, I highly recommend taking that route instead.
Otherwise, you end up in grade 18, broke, and working a zillion jobs and still about to become bankrupt. And people wonder why I need a therapist...
Sunday, September 05, 2004
Chris's Life Lesson #2
Lesson #2
When you are horny (and or randy), eat some type of chicken to alleviate any of the aforementioned horniness (and or randiness).
Why do I never need this rule? Have I been out of the game that long? I think I must be getting old or something, because honestly, I'm not even to my sexual peak or anything and I have no inclination to hook up with some guy and just make out or whatnot.
Hmm...Maybe I need some hormonal replacement treatment or something. Or really, yea, I don't have anything else.
When you are horny (and or randy), eat some type of chicken to alleviate any of the aforementioned horniness (and or randiness).
Why do I never need this rule? Have I been out of the game that long? I think I must be getting old or something, because honestly, I'm not even to my sexual peak or anything and I have no inclination to hook up with some guy and just make out or whatnot.
Hmm...Maybe I need some hormonal replacement treatment or something. Or really, yea, I don't have anything else.
Long Lost What?
So, how do I put this in a PC sort of way without naming names and totally cornering somebody? Has anyone ever seen someone who they haven't seen in a very long time and been like, "Damn, time has not been kind to you?"
It's like I didn't tell them that, it was more of an internal monologue. But, it's like, wow. People change and stuff, y'know? It's like I wonder if people think that about me. Not that I've changed physically all that much, but really...It's like have I physically let myself go and people just don't talk to me about it?
Anyways, wow. Time does funny things to people...
It's like I didn't tell them that, it was more of an internal monologue. But, it's like, wow. People change and stuff, y'know? It's like I wonder if people think that about me. Not that I've changed physically all that much, but really...It's like have I physically let myself go and people just don't talk to me about it?
Anyways, wow. Time does funny things to people...
Back in Beantown
Made it back to the craziness of Boston. Fell asleep for most of the flight. I woke up in my seat to someone (not quite sure who) throwing a cinnamon raisin granola bar at my head. It may have actually been the stewardesses (or I guess flight attendants to be PC).
Yea, so it's finally summer here. Got in to Logan to 85-degree weather and a diversion from the Airport T stop to Maverick station. Yes, that was fun lugging my bags. I finally started swearing like a Dutch sailor in my stairwell when I got home. It's bad when the new roommie's first impression of me is, "I hate this {bleeping} city. And how are you doing?"
But, yes...It is good to be back in Boston. Although I am slightly under the weather and in desperate need of some Dayquil. I feel very congested and clogged. My ears are in a tunnel. So, if I yell -- It's because seriously I can't hear you at the moment.
Anywhoooo...
Yea, so it's finally summer here. Got in to Logan to 85-degree weather and a diversion from the Airport T stop to Maverick station. Yes, that was fun lugging my bags. I finally started swearing like a Dutch sailor in my stairwell when I got home. It's bad when the new roommie's first impression of me is, "I hate this {bleeping} city. And how are you doing?"
But, yes...It is good to be back in Boston. Although I am slightly under the weather and in desperate need of some Dayquil. I feel very congested and clogged. My ears are in a tunnel. So, if I yell -- It's because seriously I can't hear you at the moment.
Anywhoooo...
Friday, September 03, 2004
Chris's Life's Lesson #1
Lesson #1
Always say what's on your mind because you may never have the chance again.
No, I didn't fail at saying something, or necessarily fail because I didn't say something. I dunno what I'm trying to get at here really, or how do I put this in a way that sounds correct.
Ok. Hypothethically. Have you ever been in a situation where you've wanted to say something to someone for so long. You've practiced over and over in your mind how that moment would go. You'd finally get something off your mind and out into the open. But then, when you're finally in that place, that moment to speak your mind, you shut down. You can't. You're speechless. The moment just isn't right. For whatever reason -- the lighting, the two people, the atmosphere, whatever -- you just can't get what you've been dying, aching to say out into the air.
It's such an awful feeling. But then at the same time, sometimes things are just better left unsaid, y'know?
Why is it that I always seem to try and predict how things are going to be and then they never turn out right because of something, be it me, the other person, or just the moment in general? Is it that I always have to be in control of things? That I want life to be predictable? Am I a control freak? Am I too demanding? What?
For as long as I can remember, I always try and play scenarios out in my head (generally in the morning as I'm thinking hard in the shower). I try to figure out how things are going to go during my day (interviews, a date, etc.). It's like I think how another person will try to react. A lot of times, I'll stand in front of a mirror and pretend I'm actually talking to someone, as if they're really there, and as if I actually have the courage to say things that I normally wouldn't be able to say.
But, in the end, it's always the same. I can't realistically finish what I have been practicing. It's like my little talks in the morning are just a way for me to feel like it's happened. A way for me to fool myself into believing things have happened in the way that I want them to happen. When in reality, they never have occurred that way and probably never will. It's like a way for me to create this history that I want.
Is that normal? Is that like voices in my head type stuff? Do I need to seek help for this? Or, do I just need to confront people with the things I think I need to say to them? And its not just one person or two people. I think it's with everyone I meet. I don't know if it's me being untruthful with myself or what.
Always say what's on your mind because you may never have the chance again.
No, I didn't fail at saying something, or necessarily fail because I didn't say something. I dunno what I'm trying to get at here really, or how do I put this in a way that sounds correct.
Ok. Hypothethically. Have you ever been in a situation where you've wanted to say something to someone for so long. You've practiced over and over in your mind how that moment would go. You'd finally get something off your mind and out into the open. But then, when you're finally in that place, that moment to speak your mind, you shut down. You can't. You're speechless. The moment just isn't right. For whatever reason -- the lighting, the two people, the atmosphere, whatever -- you just can't get what you've been dying, aching to say out into the air.
It's such an awful feeling. But then at the same time, sometimes things are just better left unsaid, y'know?
Why is it that I always seem to try and predict how things are going to be and then they never turn out right because of something, be it me, the other person, or just the moment in general? Is it that I always have to be in control of things? That I want life to be predictable? Am I a control freak? Am I too demanding? What?
For as long as I can remember, I always try and play scenarios out in my head (generally in the morning as I'm thinking hard in the shower). I try to figure out how things are going to go during my day (interviews, a date, etc.). It's like I think how another person will try to react. A lot of times, I'll stand in front of a mirror and pretend I'm actually talking to someone, as if they're really there, and as if I actually have the courage to say things that I normally wouldn't be able to say.
But, in the end, it's always the same. I can't realistically finish what I have been practicing. It's like my little talks in the morning are just a way for me to feel like it's happened. A way for me to fool myself into believing things have happened in the way that I want them to happen. When in reality, they never have occurred that way and probably never will. It's like a way for me to create this history that I want.
Is that normal? Is that like voices in my head type stuff? Do I need to seek help for this? Or, do I just need to confront people with the things I think I need to say to them? And its not just one person or two people. I think it's with everyone I meet. I don't know if it's me being untruthful with myself or what.
MXC on Spike
Ok...what is this show all about? It's like a mix between American Gladiators, Iron Chef, and a whacked-out Double Dare. I absolutely don't get it. Is it produced in Japan or the U.S. because those voice-overs are so obnoxious even for American humor. It's like c'mon. Can we have a little bit of tact here? It's like it's funny and everything but I think I'm just totally missing something about the whole thing.
For those of you who don't know the premise of it -- There are two teams who battle against each other in these crazy, you-must-be-on-crack kinds of stunts. For example, I've seen a life-size video game stunt, a bull-riding gun toting stunt, and a ride-down-a-water-slide-in-a-bowl stunt (to name a few).
Yea. And I wonder why Spike is so strange sometimes. But alas, they do have CSI on every night of the week starting on Monday....
For those of you who don't know the premise of it -- There are two teams who battle against each other in these crazy, you-must-be-on-crack kinds of stunts. For example, I've seen a life-size video game stunt, a bull-riding gun toting stunt, and a ride-down-a-water-slide-in-a-bowl stunt (to name a few).
Yea. And I wonder why Spike is so strange sometimes. But alas, they do have CSI on every night of the week starting on Monday....
Time Goes By...
Three years ago...damn. I look back at where I was. It was a definitive turning point in my life. It was when I finally stopped to think about what I wanted my life to be and started making decisions to change things.
I look back at September 2001. I see a little girl who was scared. Running away from a lot of things in her life. I see a young woman who was on the brink of finding the distant outer layers of what she wanted to become. I see a person who made a lot of tough decisions to be where she is today.
When I look back and think about three years ago, the first thing I want to do is apologize to so many people. I don't know why. I feel like I was such a horrible person for so long. I look at the person I was then at 20-years-old. I was making my first real-life decisions on my own and they weren't necessarily right and they weren't necessarily one's that I am proud of. But, I won't and I can't ever take them back. They were my mistakes. But, I do apologize for how I treated a lot of people then. I know I didn't leave a lot of relationships the way I should have. I just didn't know how to at that point in my life.
It's so strange how in three years a person can grow and change so much. I never really thought I had changed all that much -- until today. I guess as I'm cleaning up and packing a lot of my things away the past week or so, and also saying goodbye to a lot of important people in my life, I've been able to realize a few things.
I have grown up. I have changed. I hope in a positive way. I hope I'm on the right track to where that young woman saw herself heading three years ago. I'm not that scared little girl anymore who's afraid to make choices on her own. But, I still doubt myself (one of those things that I wonder if I will ever outgrow). I do see someone in the mirror now who is focused on a dream of a better future, but unfortunately, still lets the past dictate a lot of what she is becoming. For better or for worse, I do let past actions lead me down the paths ahead of me.
I have been finding it so hard and so awkward to have to say goodbye to people this week. I've been on the verge of tears with everyone (hopefully they couldn't tell). But I've enjoyed my time with all of my friends -- Ann, Katie, Amber, Marcia, Val (hopefully I will see you), Steve...everyone. I just wish I knew that this wasn't the end to something, y'know?
It's so hard to make the choices that I have to make in the next year. Where am I going to move? What job am I going to take? How am I going to help my family? Or even the simplest decisions like: Where am I spending Christmas? I don't want to have to make these decisions. But I have to.
And everytime I think about it...the only thing that comes through my mind is how I can't come back to Milwaukee -- at least not for a long time. It's just too painful right now. It's been my home for 23 years and now its gone. The next time I come back, the house that I grew up in, won't be my house anymore. It'll be someone's else's. Do you know and can you understand how hard that is for me? This isn't something that I should have to deal with. But I have to.
I look at myself right now. I see that little, scared girl again. Running even faster and farther, just trying as hard as she can to escape from the life that is escaping her. I see a disenchanted young woman in the mirror now who doesn't know if her dreams are even possible. I see more fears than dreams in all honesty, and that shouldn't be the case.
While I have changed a lot over the course of three years, so much has stayed the same. I can't escape the life that my family has. Sometimes, so many times, I wish I could. But, I can't. It isn't possible and it isn't even an option. And when I think about it, it just makes me angry and more frustrated. I can't change things. I don't have that ability. I want things to be great. But they aren't. I wish I could be that little girl, with stars in her eyes who had the world at her fingertips as she walked along the stage receiving her diploma in 1999, but I can't. That life was just an illusion.
I just wish a lot of the past five years has been an illusion, too.
I look back at September 2001. I see a little girl who was scared. Running away from a lot of things in her life. I see a young woman who was on the brink of finding the distant outer layers of what she wanted to become. I see a person who made a lot of tough decisions to be where she is today.
When I look back and think about three years ago, the first thing I want to do is apologize to so many people. I don't know why. I feel like I was such a horrible person for so long. I look at the person I was then at 20-years-old. I was making my first real-life decisions on my own and they weren't necessarily right and they weren't necessarily one's that I am proud of. But, I won't and I can't ever take them back. They were my mistakes. But, I do apologize for how I treated a lot of people then. I know I didn't leave a lot of relationships the way I should have. I just didn't know how to at that point in my life.
It's so strange how in three years a person can grow and change so much. I never really thought I had changed all that much -- until today. I guess as I'm cleaning up and packing a lot of my things away the past week or so, and also saying goodbye to a lot of important people in my life, I've been able to realize a few things.
I have grown up. I have changed. I hope in a positive way. I hope I'm on the right track to where that young woman saw herself heading three years ago. I'm not that scared little girl anymore who's afraid to make choices on her own. But, I still doubt myself (one of those things that I wonder if I will ever outgrow). I do see someone in the mirror now who is focused on a dream of a better future, but unfortunately, still lets the past dictate a lot of what she is becoming. For better or for worse, I do let past actions lead me down the paths ahead of me.
I have been finding it so hard and so awkward to have to say goodbye to people this week. I've been on the verge of tears with everyone (hopefully they couldn't tell). But I've enjoyed my time with all of my friends -- Ann, Katie, Amber, Marcia, Val (hopefully I will see you), Steve...everyone. I just wish I knew that this wasn't the end to something, y'know?
It's so hard to make the choices that I have to make in the next year. Where am I going to move? What job am I going to take? How am I going to help my family? Or even the simplest decisions like: Where am I spending Christmas? I don't want to have to make these decisions. But I have to.
And everytime I think about it...the only thing that comes through my mind is how I can't come back to Milwaukee -- at least not for a long time. It's just too painful right now. It's been my home for 23 years and now its gone. The next time I come back, the house that I grew up in, won't be my house anymore. It'll be someone's else's. Do you know and can you understand how hard that is for me? This isn't something that I should have to deal with. But I have to.
I look at myself right now. I see that little, scared girl again. Running even faster and farther, just trying as hard as she can to escape from the life that is escaping her. I see a disenchanted young woman in the mirror now who doesn't know if her dreams are even possible. I see more fears than dreams in all honesty, and that shouldn't be the case.
While I have changed a lot over the course of three years, so much has stayed the same. I can't escape the life that my family has. Sometimes, so many times, I wish I could. But, I can't. It isn't possible and it isn't even an option. And when I think about it, it just makes me angry and more frustrated. I can't change things. I don't have that ability. I want things to be great. But they aren't. I wish I could be that little girl, with stars in her eyes who had the world at her fingertips as she walked along the stage receiving her diploma in 1999, but I can't. That life was just an illusion.
I just wish a lot of the past five years has been an illusion, too.
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