I know what I want now...

A CUDDLE BUDDY!!!

Yes, you heard it right, kids. I want a cuddle buddy. Someone who I can text message and be all like, "Cuddle?"

That's not being too whore-ish, is it?

How did I come to this realization? Well, we were talking about the aforementioned "cuddle buddies" at work today. And I thought, "Hey, that's just a pretty dang good idea." There's no real commitment. No heavy duty relationship. Just someone to cuddle with on those long, cold, lonely New England nights (that, of course will be coming in due force soon). So yes...I want a cuddle buddy.

I'm just unsure of how to go about asking said boy if he wants to be the designated cuddle buddy.

Drunk Dial Update

Remember how I drunk-dialed someone the other night? Hmm. Yea, I still don't really know the outcome of that. Well, I do...but, hmm.

Why are there always more questions? Can't I just get a yes or no...or just something resembling...anything, I guess.

So, yea...I think he actually said to me on Thursday (when I saw him) that I only call him when I'm drunk. Not exactly true, but fairly.

The answer why: I get way too nervous in person or when I'm sober. I can't talk to him otherwise. It is so absurd. I get tongue-tied and nothing comes out right. Not that when I'm drunk things come out right, but at least something comes out, I guess.

How did I let things get this way? I am so into this guy and I'm just setting myself up for the hugest letdown in the world. What do I really think is going to come from this anyways?

I don't want a relationship right now. I don't think he does. We're both graduating in, let's see here...oh, like seven months. We have no idea where the @#$% we'll be after that. I'm a complete mess when it comes to relationships. Not to mention I'm afraid of intimacy.

Plus, he's a normal (or seems to be normal), college-aged guy. How does that work with me? I can't put another guy through what I am, and how I act (or lack of act). It isn't fair, I know. But, I am so afraid of letting people in. It's like I wish I could just say to him, "Hey, let's have some fun. No expectations. Nothing after graduation. Just whenever we feel like it." But I can't. That isn't me and that probably will never be me.

What on Earth could I possibly want from this guy?

You know, if I knew that answer...I'd be the richest person in the world. Maybe I am just lonely. Maybe I just need to make-out with someone. Maybe I just want a friend. I DON'T KNOW. All I know is that every time I am with him...I'm smiling on the inside. I'm happy. And everytime I don't see him, or don't hear from him, I'm waiting anxiously for the next time I will see him.

I don't know how that happened and I don't know if he remotely feels the same.

I am so afraid to risk the friendship that we do have (mainly because of my last experience with trying to have a friend turn into "more than friends"). But, it's like I want to risk it. I just want to know how he feels. I am so afraid to make the first move. I know mutual friends have said that he's just clueless and needs me to make that first move, but I don't know if I can, y'know? I don't want to feel like an idiot. What if this is only some stupid crush? But then, what if it isn't...

Highlight Fun

Ok, remember back in the day when I wanted to be the next Suzy Kolber on ESPN? Yea, that was a LONG time ago. Proby back in high school when I was still covering basketball games for West Side Stories . Yes, that long ago. I don't think I've really had an inkling since about then to even be on-air. But for a few brief moments on Friday, I really wanted to be an on-air personality again.

Who would've thought that doing 7 minutes of Boston Red Sox highlights would have me wanting to be a sports anchor again?

Well, the dream is short-lived, but it was most definitely fun and enjoyable. I can't say that I want to do highlights for a living (by any means). It was just cool to live that lifelong dream (or whatever you want to call it) of actually -- almost -- really being on ESPN.

I can't say that I won't ever do highlights again...I wonder what the chances of me taking over WEBN Sports is???

Axel's Revisited

So, it's been over a year since I last hit Axel's on Oakland back in Milwaukee. Remember those days with Katie #3, Amber, Kevin, and Chris? Nights after closing the TV lab down, before the PVTV shows, and getting unnecessarily sloshed?

Those were the days...

How can I forget some of those nights? The ones where we'd end up back at Johnston Hall, roaming the floors, trying to find a ghost (which turned out to be KC under a stairway). Or, the nights where I couldn't even drive home and ended up on someone's couch? Or, just sitting and talking about absolutely nothing and trying to see how many times Rick Springfield's "Jesse's Girl" could play in a row on the jukebox.

Yes, I've been trying to recapture those days for a long time...

And, I think last night was the first time that I have reasonably even come close since being in Boston. I don't think I have been that utterly wasted (for no good reason) since UWM (and that may be a good thing).

But, it started out innocently enough at the White Horse with a Miller and some pool. But once the party migrated to Big City and the shots and pitchers of sangria started coming -- all bets were off.

Thanks to Lins for taking my glass away from me...but, really...I totally would've drunk that whole glass of sangria-fruity goodness. Unfortunately, that outcome would not have been pretty. And really, the one that did end up following was amusing, but not my best moment.

It's always great when you drunk-dial someone who you like, is it not? Yea, I'm not quite sure what I said in his voicemail, but I'll find out in a few hours, I guess. Otherwise, it's not good when you find yourself sitting on your bathroom floor. But, that is a first for me.

Hmm...Good times...

Stressed!

Dear Blog Reader:

Christina is losing it momentarily. She has to produce two 1:45 play-by-play segments of games one and two of the Sox vs. Angels series by Friday.

Tough task?

Well, yes. Since a) she is not a Sox fan b) has never done shot sheets before and c) doesn't have a VCR to tape game 2.

Thanks to Brett...at least I have game two slightly covered for highlight purposes. But, he has a midnight bedtime and the game won't be done by that time. I owe him BIG time for helping me out with this. And now I know why it makes sense that I'm friends with the sports director, eh?

Alas, I'm still losing it because I'm freaked out about my practicum show, too. If anyone cares to help shoot some video or knows anything about graphics, please see me ASAP. You will be compensated.

Sincerely,

Management

Stood Up

Yup. My luck. Now, I'm listening to Britney Spears....Thanks a lot.....

Sleep

Rest up, for tomorrow is another long day of Emerson-ness. Good Emerson-ness. But still Emerson-ness. Did that make absolutely any sense?

Proby not.

This is why I need to sleep...

Hmm...

Thank gawd I didn't say something in an IM today. When have I ever been able to hold my tongue about something? Yea, usually never.Thank goodness I could do it today.

Saved my ass.

Breathe. Everything is OK. No one knows a thing...or do they?

Smitten Insomniac

I can't sleep. Well, I tried, and I can't. I suppose I will later. Just right now I can't. I don't know why. Ok, I think I know. I'm antsy.

Antsy and Chris don't go well together. That's kinda like lamb and tuna fish. Yea, they just don't meld well with one another. I have all this excess energy that I need to expel. Still, I'm exhausted from working. I just can't sleep, though. Could that be a sign of something else? Yea, sure it is. I'm antsy, aren't I?

Ugh.

I hate feeling this way. You know, when you don't have control over something. Yea, that feeling doesn't meld well with me, either. I guess I'm just in one of those moods. I want everything to go right. I had a great weekend and I just want it to continue. Maybe that's it. I had too good of a weekend for once and I don't know what to do with myself. It is a rarity for me to actually have fun, isn't it?

Well, I do have fun...sometimes. Just not here that often. I don't know why I had that much fun anyways. Ok, that's a flat-out lie. Of course, I know why I had a lot of fun this weekend and enjoyed myself so much.

I got shit-faced and hung out with a boy that I have a major crush on. That's why. Oops, I probably shouldn't have said that outloud, should I? Oh, well. It's not like he doesn't know. Wait, he probably doesn't know. But, it's not like he reads this?

Wait, with my luck...He probably does read this. Why? 'Cause I was born under a bad sign. That's why. Ugh. If I could just have really good luck, you know? And knew that he felt the same way about me, y'know?

That his heart raced as much as mine does every time we're together. That he's feeling nervous like a 12-year-old when our eyes meet. Yea, that's kinda how I feel when we're together. It's so goofy, but it's fun, y'know? I haven't felt that for a long time. And a part of me doesn't want it to go away. I like that feeling. The anticipation of knowing that there's the possibility of something . Not quite sure what -- but something.

That something that's on the horizon. A lingering sort of antsyness that is exhilarating and refreshing and nerve-racking all at the same time. I really don't want that to go away. Because I know if that feeling goes away...That means that he didn't feel the same way. And really, I don't want that outcome.

At the same time, I don't want to go down some road with this person because we are such good friends. And my history with guys who I've been friends with and then wanted something else...well, let's just say my track record isn't that good.

So, I guess I just want that pitter-patter of excitement to continue a little while longer and then maybe...who knows...

Bedding Down

Yay! My first night in a real bed. Awesome, awesome, awesome. No more sleeping in the living room!

Thanks, Melissa!